Competency Two: I am straightforward

Deceitful, con-artist, manipulator, apple-polisher; they tell you I am a liar and it is not prudent to trust me. They are right. I will steal from you and then help you search. It was not so much what you said, as it was the weight of my lack of character—heavy. I seemed to take pride in the fact that I was accomplished in this arena, truly unbeatable. I was everything opposite of who I was to become. If I am to pursue a new life, I must see what is no longer serving me. How do you take a girl like me and infuse honesty, decency, and ethics? This seeming feat meant substantial overhauling. It was an act that required an unlearning, a flattening, of what I had known and believed to be true. It was the bulldozer showing up for the remodel, not the carpenter.

This competency is essential for my evolution. With it, I can trust myself; without trust I can go NOWHERE. Trust is the foundation upon which I build. There is no other way. Until I learn the value of trust I’m screwed. Vulgar writing those words, yet it drives the point exactly where it needs to be nailed. I can’t fake me out. I can reason that I can, but that’s termed ignorance. And in my case arrogance too.

The dream solution: Today … stop lying, omitting, embellishing, and controlling.

The actual solution: Try to not lie in the next conversation I have today. If I catch myself lying I stop mid-sentence and collect my thoughts and unweave what I was about to weave. If I am tempted to omit or embellish I notice and observe my behavior; recognizing how it makes me feel within. If I find I am trying to police the outcome I will let it go and see what happens. I will make effort to recognize that things turn out fine (often better) without my two cents.

This competency is not about being a doormat; saying nothing or doing nothing. It’s about knowing me so well that I know when to step in and when to step out. I have learned to strike a balance. What is the balance? I have learned to trust me and my word. I am accountable to self … first. In learning to trust me again, I can now trust you. I know to put my healthy needs first. I want to take care of me, not because I am more important than you, but because if I don’t take care of me I will ultimately end up trying to manipulate you. And yes, sometimes taking care of me means putting you first. (That’s another post.)

A competency is something I work toward achieving, not something I acquire in a weekend seminar. I work a little each day (in as many conversations as I remember) to become a person I admire. Today I admire truth, strength, courage, gentleness, character, and accountability. I willingly work toward them, not because it is easy, but because I like the way I feel inside when I behave this way. I put my head on the pillow at night and feel at peace. A gift far better than anything I could have possibly weaved doing it the old way.


No Responses to “Competency Two: I am straightforward

  • runningonsober
    12 years ago

    Good stuff Lisa, thank you. My big one is omitting information in attempt to control others’ responses (to avoid their reactions and my discomfort). I never realized how often I did (and still do) this. Awareness is a good starting place though. Hope all has been going well with you! Thanks again!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.