The Anti-Me

Violent death of earth by black holeJust because I no longer drink doesn’t mean I don’t have an anti-Lisa still living within me. My god, she can be unbearable too. Her bright idea today was to not post. It’s been so long anyway, another week won’t matter. 

I used to think it was the alcohol that was out to destroy me. But the older I get, the more recovery I get, the more I realize that the enemy is within.

I read all these platitudes on Facebook (I re-post these platitudes) but I post them when I’m on the beam. When I’m getting sucked into the event horizon of blackness there are no sweet words available. There is darkness.

I never knew what to do with the darkness. I used to drink at the darkness. But when you’re in recovery, drinking is no longer an option. It can’t be. Drinking is a spiritual, and possibly physical, death, if acted upon.

Yes, I have engraved the “Just don’t drink today” mantra in my little head. I’m good for the next 24-hours.

So why the struggle some days? I wrote a blog on this a while back. Is it my humanness or is there something wrong with me?

Today, I am feeling there is something wrong with me.

I have everything, and I mean everything, to be grateful for: My recovery, my family, my business, (Empower Recovery Center opening 2016), upcoming graduation (Bioenergetics Healthcare Practitioner), a home, food, etc. What is wrong with me?

Is my mind so warped from the past that I cannot enjoy the fruits of my journey? It would just be so nice if this thing in me that wants to destroy me would go away.

I thought when the drinking stopped so would the anti-Lisa. It did not happen that way. I was (and am) forced to have a relationship with a part of myself that I would rather not have to deal with. It’s been eleven years since I stopped drinking, and honestly, I’m still not entirely clear on this part of me, this anti-me.

Why won’t I allow my achievements and my efforts be enough? I don’t have a good answer. It is my “thing” to keep working on healing, I suppose.

The good news: I’m not a quitter. For every down moment there are a million beautiful ones. I remember that feelings pass.

It’s easy when it’s someone else going through the tough moments. It’s easy to have the words of encouragement to help carry them through. It’s confrontation and blackness and it’s right up next to me. It’s so close I breathe it.

All I know to do is to feel it and journal (today’s blog).  I needn’t fight the darkness. I simply need to love it until it releases.

I can do this—today.

To-do list today:

check box

 

Don’t drink

 

check box

 

Be kind to yourself until the false sense of ‘not-enough-ness’ passes

 

 

19 Responses to “The Anti-Me

  • My take home today is this line: “For every down moment there are a million beautiful ones. I remember that feelings pass.” Truth, beautifully stated! Thanks for posting, Lisa!

  • There are 27 more days when the light goes faster than it will go this afternoon.

    If I think about that, it’s so easy to fall into the spiral.

    If, instead of thinking about that, I think of what I can do, TODAY, to enjoy the light the sun is giving me, I’ll take a walk, sit by a sunny window with a cup of tea, wander into the garden and snip off a few dead branches, stand in a sunny place and do my exercises, and prepare for bed earlier so that I can be fully awake for the sun’s arrival tomorrow.

    Today matters. A Power Greater will take care of tomorrow. And a few days from now, when I look back on today, it won’t look so terrible at all. I know this from experience, my job is to remember it.

    And you have helped.

    Thank you, Lisa.

    I love your “To Do” list. It’s way better than my un-accomplishable List of a Million Things I Should Be Doing.

    • My day is complete with this comment. LOL. Right after the post I went for my Sunday walk with the dogs. Yay for legs that work and beautiful weather. I even had a few moments of feeling okay. Silly me! Now I can just remember to remember how good I have it. I am not in charge of it all. Thank heavens ♥

  • Beautiful. I find similar issues. Finding a way to just be with what is.

  • Lisa, this is an awesome post! Shining the light on this mental monkey is the best strategy, imho. I will say, my anti-Kathy still rears her nasty head on occasion, but less often and the duration is usually shorter. (this after 30 years in recovery!). Talking out loud about it helps to lessen its grip, not sure I’ve ever reached the point of “loving it until it releases”, but I love that as a goal.

    • Kathy, It always helps to talk it out. And I know this. Why do I continue to stay silent?!? I think sometimes I am secretly hoping it will pass quickly and when it does not I am forced to feel it. So …I’m having a feeling day! ♥

  • There are days when I feel stuck in a no win: I feel miserable because I can’t drink; I know I’ll feel miserable if I do. I stick with the misery I’ll remember, and then wait for time to pass.

  • Marianna
    3 years ago

    Oh Lisa. Thank you for sharing so openly. I know the Anti me oh so well. I’m feeling her in full force today. Battling with myself and my family. Full on ugly. I thought this wouldn’t ever happen when I got sober, how wrong, huh? It’s such a struggle some days. I love how vulnerable and human you are, I love YOU. Thank you for writing g this today. It’s balm for my weary spirit.
    Xoxox
    Marianna

  • My sweet friend. Stop fighting her. Put down the rope in this crazy tug of war. when my anti-sherry starts up I try to invite her in to tea so that I may understand her a little better. Then…if that doesn’t work I punch her in the throat and move on.

    Just kidding.

    Almost.

    Whenever I’m feeling this way I read this poem my therapist gave me. Sometimes it gives me perspective.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The Guest House
    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.

    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    As an unexpected visitor.

    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still treat each guest honorably.
    He may be clearing you out
    for some new delight.

    The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
    meet them at the door laughing,
    and invite them in.

    Be grateful for whoever comes,
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Love and hugs,
    Sherry

  • freetobeme
    3 years ago

    I wish I read this the other day! I was in such a funk yesterday, no clue why. But I used to drink to avoid the dark. I am SO thankful for my blessings and sobriety, but I guess we all have to allow ourselves to soak up the darkness so we can see the stars. That’s one great thing about sobriety – living 24 hours at a time. I never ever thought that concept was even possible. Now when I’m having a yucky day, I just say “well, hopefully tomorrow will be better” and it usually is! Love and hugs!!

    • Sometimes I get to a-minute-at-a-time and try and remember to breathe in between. Thank goodness someone taught me to breathe. Conscious breath. The one tool that saves me again and again. My week has already been infinitely better having shared my struggle. Love and hugs back. Lis

  • You have a dark side too? I thought I was the only one. 😉
    Oh Lisa, all this just makes you human. We all have these feelings, which is why it’s so wonderful that you write about them…because others can see they’re not alone in their darkness either.
    Every single one of us carries light and dark within. Our problems stem from denying or controlling or ignoring our shadow selves.
    We are not either light or dark, we are both. So listen when anti-me speaks, ask yourself what she’s wanting what she’s trying to say to feel. Realize she’s not anti-you, rather she’s alter-you. Even better, she’s just you. ❤️
    Love you! All of you. 🙂

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