When will the madness end?

While I try and keep the blog upbeat (solutions, hope) there are days I feel blind-sided by people I love and humanity in general. What are we thinking? Why are we doing this? Where is the compassion? Why don’t we take the time to teach? Why don’t we set the example? Where is the personal responsibility? (Usually I keep these personal gems for the privacy of my journal.)

*Keep writing, especially when new to recovery*

…back to the blog.

I want to start with an acknowledgement of my readers, commenters, emailers, clients, and LIKERS. I love that you support my book, blog, workshops, etc., but more importantly that you are trying to figure out this sober-thing. It’s not for sissies.

I love reading your blogs and remembering what it was like. You help me stay connected. I want this … this bond. Otherwise I get thinking I’m not an alcoholic. That’s how strong the subconscious mind is. It will try and convince me I am healed and I don’t need to grow anymore.

Nothing is further from truth. I must continue to evolve if I am to remain sober. There is no shortcut. There is no arriving anywhere. Solid recovery is an abundance of self-examination and then conscious implementation of a new response. It’s hard for any individual to change a lifelong habit.  The difference between me and them is that my life depends upon the fact that I change the way I function. I don’t have the luxury of putting off my habits. I don’t get to pretend I’m okay when I’m dying inside. I don’t get to hide without you looking. I don’t get to cheat without you detecting. My screw ups are obvious.

I faced my addiction head on and then I faced you head on. This was a humbling and raw process. Every place I ever played small was exposed. And during this time of exposure I felt near unbearable pain, paralyzing confusion, close to constant anxiety, and endless questioning. Questioning that never seemed to yield any good answers (or at least any answers I preferred).

I’m not a bad person. Am I confused? Yes, undoubtedly. But that doesn’t make me bad. It makes me confused. Believe it or not this wasn’t my first choice as a legacy. So rather than focus on me and how I’ve got it all screwed up because I’m an addict, why don’t you take the focus off of me and put it on yourself. Guess what? You have some growing to do too. You might not be an addict but you are not perfect either.

I don’t know what you’ve walked through. You don’t know what I’ve walked through. Let’s agree that we will exercise some compassion. Let’s learn from each other. Let’s stop making each other wrong so that we can each be right.

Let’s both feel better about who we are because we are contributing and cooperating rather than taking and criticizing. We live in one small house, in one small neighbor, in one small town, in one country, in one very small world.

Let’s agree to be conscious about the things we do and the words we speak. We can say we are sorry, but we can never take the past back.

*This is the part in my journal when I would write, “Thank goodness no one will ever read this.”*

Don’t give up on your sobriety today. Despite the madness—I’d do it all again.

No Responses to “When will the madness end?

  • Thank goodness you’re not afraid to write it! Your honesty is refreshing.

    • Funny you say that but—I am afraid. I just do it anyway because I will give up my sobriety if I don’t keep writing. I love your blog and am thrilled to have found so many recovering addicts to journey with. lots of love and thanks, Lisa

  • Courage is being afraid, but doing it anyway.

    I wish I could “love” this post. Or hit the “like” button several times without it driving your crazy. hee hee.

    Thanks for helping us all out too Lisa!

    • I feel the same way when I read others posts… click “LOVE”. Thanks for pointing out the courage thing. Believe it or not, I still get scared to write on my blog. How many miles this weekend?

      • robins77
        12 years ago

        I agree with Karen. I love your honesty & finding all of the amazing people here has helped me see things in a different (better) light. Together we are helping each other. 🙂

      • It was a cut back week, yay! I had 8 on Sat and 13 on Sun. This weekend is the big 2-0!

        I owe you an email. 🙂

  • You say that you try to keep your posts upbeat, which leads me to conclude you don’t think this post is upbeat. But for those of us struggling through early recovery, it IS upbeat! It validates the feelings I often have about those around me. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve thought “that person needs a program,” I would be a wealthy woman, and I am not yet 8 months sober! Minutes ago, I was reading about EFT Tapping in a book written by a very wise woman… maybe we should try that technique when the people around us are getting us down. Know this, Lisa, you are ALWAYS an inspiration!

    • TMATC: When I started writing I wasn’t feeling upbeat … thanks for pointing that out to me. See, I wrote like a journal, because in my journal I never go back and edit. hehee. Yes on the EFT Tapping. Funny, how you call me on my stuff. Thank you I need that, I want that! With that said I will commit to doing some tapping today on “the madness” … lots of love, Lisa

  • Loving this, Lisa. I find myself in the middle of recovery, more lost than ever… I have been thinking a lot about all of the questions I answered, but haven’t figured out yet how to journal, it’s like I’m terrified to do it, there is something impeding it; sometimes I feel like I don’t want to recover and that food is my safest and warmest shelter. Thanks a lot for your blog, for your help and for your constant love-spreading. You are an angel, I must tell you. Thanks a million.

    • How to Journal 101: Get a pen and paper. Write whatever comes to mind without editing.
      It is okay that we feel more “lost than ever” when we take on the subconscious mind. It’s just doing its job. It’s job is to keep us alive and not ask questions. Whatever you programmed in is what is staying—until you change it. Which is what you are in the process of doing. Your subconscious mind in not interested in recovery and yes, food is still the safest and warmest shelter—until it turns on you! This is a process, not an event.

  • Once again a greta post.
    Why don’t we set the example? Well you are Lisa, you’re passing the stigma, which prevents so many people admitting their addiction problems, by us putting our stories out here, maybe just maybe we’re helping somebody who is too worried about the stigma factor that goes with admittance of addiction, let’s call them “closet addicts in recovery”, because our stories are definately helping others with similar problems.

    No one here are too judge any one else, we are here too share our stories and helping one another in our roads to recovery. Let us all be inspirational to one another.

    • Thank you Henry39. I want nothing more than to help. I have been on the pitiful side of addiction and this is so much better. Thanks for loving me even when I rant. That’s what I love about addicts in recovery we love each other regardless. We give each other space to grow w/o judgment.

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