When you love someone who is addicted, life feels harsh. After many years of being addicted, working with the addicted, and working with those who love the addicted, I can share with you my experience as seen through the eyes of a recovered addict now recovery coach. These are principles I believe to be true. While there are concessions, I encourage you to contemplate where your situation is not the exception.
If you aren’t participating in the solution you are a portion of the problem. If drugs and alcohol are the problem, you trying to control, manage, change, and/or regulate them is your problem. There is a huge lesson here for the pupil willing to listen. Look at what you can change about you to make your life better. Not easy when you love an addict. The tendency is to keep the focus on them and how much better your life would be if they’d just straighten up.
Here are the 12 universal laws for those who “love an addict” as derived from Sober Identity: Tools for Reprogramming the Addictive Mind. My hope is that you glean strength from these words and gather courage to be your part of the solution. These are easy words to write—challenging words to implement. They are, however, the tools that helped me help another addict to become a recovered addict.
Law 1- The Law of Divine Oneness
We are connected. Get yourself healthy first. It will aid you in thinking more clearly. You’re addicted to their being addicted. Find strength with those who have walked a similar path.
Law 2 – The Law of Vibration
Redirect your detrimental thinking to constructive thinking. You obsess too much over them. You fuel and perpetuate a situation you do not want. Observe when you are fixating and be willing to stop. The addict is often fueled by your obsessive objection of them. They use it to turn the blame toward you.
Law 3 – The Law of Action
Get into action. Find a support group. Do something—anything different. If that doesn’t work do something different again, and again. Never give up hope. Stop the cycle that has now grown to feel “normal.”
Law 4 – The Law of Correspondence
Connect with a Source greater than yourself that you can relate to. There is help out there. Your job is to look. You are one of many to experience these feelings. You aren’t alone. Stop acting like you are.
Law 5 – The Law of Cause and Effect
For every action there is an effect. Look and see what you did to create this life. Work on yourself healing: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Stop blaming the addict. Stop cleaning up after them. Let them experience the nature effects of their actions. Your buffering is slowing their process.
Law 6 – The Law of Compensation
Give what you wish to receive. Sometimes saying “no” is the best gift of all. Exercise your right to choose whom and what you include in your life. Without question, addicts need help. Sadly they reject it from the ones who love them most.
Law 7 – The Law of Attraction
To the best of your ability, act in accordance with your principles. Do not give in to the addict’s demands and manipulation. Learn to separate the addict from their behavior. Be true to yourself at all times. Live your words. Set the vibration higher rather than sinking to the addict’s lowered standards.
Law 8 – The Law of Perpetual Transmutation of Energy
Everything you need is inside you. You are not a hostage to your addict and his/ her behavior. If you are stuck choose to get un-stuck. The addict needs courage, and so do you.
Law 9 – The Law of Relativity
We all have rights-of-passage. This may be yours. Step into this challenge and decide you will not let it drag you down. Be firm in your communication. You have taught the addict it is okay to treat you the way he /she does. Choose again.
Law 10 – The Law of Polarity
The good and the bad exist on a pendulum, (as do all opposites). Learning to not let the pendulum swing too hard in one direction is a skill. Regularly engaging with the addict at either end of the continuum is perpetuating a swing to the other side. Middle ground is best. Learn techniques to not engage.
Law 11 – The Law of Rhythm
All things that come pass. Life is moving forward, not backward. See that there is an end in sight and this too will come to an end. Everything turns out good in the end and if it’s not good (yet) it’s not the end (yet). Give this situation to your Source. If you don’t have a Source greater than your own thinking, my suggestion is that you willingly open up to one.
Law 12 – The Law of Gender
You have strengths and weakness. Don’t be a bulldozer where you are strong. Don’t be a doormat where you are weak. Learn and apply balance. You will continue to grow in direct proportion to your willingness to evolve.
We teach people how to treat us. Treat yourself better. Teach the addict in your life that you wish to be treated better. Ask for help and watch your life change. It will happen, but only when you choose for it to happen.
Lisa Neumann
This is wonderful information
Thanks for reading. It’s so important that everyone grows whether the addict chooses to change or not. Blessings for your journey. Keep in touch. Lisa
It is going to be so hard to do withdraw from helping.
It is hard. The one things that has helped me was knowing that my “helping” was actually disabling them from functioning in the real world.
Find a support group. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Many have walked this path.
Hang in there.
Thank you. I’m struggling with my boyfriend’s alcohol abuse, and I am having trouble deciding whether to stay or go. At the very least, I know I can’t let him take me down with him, if that is where he is headed (and I am worried he is). I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could help him, but I know I can only help myself.
You said it perfectly, “I can only help myself.” Having been both the addict and one who loved an addict I understand both sides of the coin. Neither is easy. Look for local support groups. And keep working on you. I was shocked how much everyone around me changed when I set some new boundaries. Boundaries for how I was to treat myself and boundaries for others treatment of me. Feel free to send a direct email with any questions. Lisa
I really love the way you’ve put this information together. Many of these words are concepts I’ve read in books or thought about in passing but the simplicity in which you’ve laid it all out here is fantastic and I’d just like to say thank you for such wonderful inspiration and motivation.
Thank you for the kind words. It’s always comforting to connect and grow. Much love, Lisa
I really needed this today. Another day of feeling so stressed that I’m getting physically ill over my daughter’s addiction. I logically know what I’m doing is killing me. I’ve always had faith, strong faith, now I’m just scared all the time…..
Your words strike a chord with me. We are so sick (as addicts) and utterly unconscious of what we do to those whom we love. That beautiful girl is still in her. Continue to grow and support her through your strong decision making. We don’t change one another, but we can have a positive effect on one another. All my love as you journey and stay close to a support group. xox Lisa
This hit a big note for me! Thank you thank you thank you. I will print this and carry it with me. I lost my self in running after , covering, and trusting him for 26 years! I never thought of my self as the addict for doing all that for the person I love. But I see I need to find me and hope he will see it also and really try this time. My kids in there 20is said the other day ” its so peaceful ” I felt so sad hearing that and knowing its because his away in rehab for a few days.
I will do my best I say to :
Do not give in to the addict’s demands and manipulation. Learn to separate the addict from their behavior. Be true to yourself at all times. Live your words.
“
Thank you for sharing your kind words. I, too, wear several hats of recovery in my world. I see the same application of principles, regardless of the situation, as key to my success in life, my life, my journey. Living my ownthoughts and words (suggestions) has been my biggest teacher. Lean on Love, and yes, sometimes Love says no. My best as you journey. With love, Lisa
Thank you for sharing. I am in an extremely bad relationship where his addiction has become my obsession. I spend all my time trying to figure out what he’s doing, who he’s talking to, where he’s going. Just to make sure he isn’t using drugs and it is literally killing me. Especially since it hasn’t changed him in anyway. He still talks to drug dealers, goes by their houses, spends all our money constantly lies to me about it. Every single day of my life is spent checking his calls logs and every single day he is talking to a drug dealer and I hear every excuse in the book. He has spent all our money and we are now being evicted. I read your post and realized I’ve let this consume my entire life and have spent all my energy trying to fix him I’ve forgotten about myself. I have become my own problem. I’m so scared to walk away because I’ve made myself believe that if I leave and he ODs it will be my fault for walking away. My life has been this way for 4 years now. I’ve lost all my friends and most of my family doesn’t speak to me. They don’t understand why I’ve stayed with him and even his family has reached out and told me I need to walk away because he will never get help. I feel so alone and scared and everything seems hopeless. I have 2 children depending on me and now we have no where to go and its all my fault for trying to change him and hoping he’d get better… now I will have nothing and no one. Its so overwhelming… I’m so so tired of feeling this way. I even found a drug dealers phone number in my car this morning when I was cleaning it out… I cant take it anymore I really really cant.
Hi Jennee, Thanks for sharing your feelings about your situation. Here is my hard-line perspective. He’s addicted to his drugs, and you’re addicted to him being addicted. If you haven’t already, get some help for you. Take care of you and your children first and foremost. We do not have power over addicts we love. We can have compassion, but ultimately it is their journey, not ours. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t love him. It means you set him free because you set you free of the drama and pain that addiction is creating. This will allow him some space to look at himself. When we can see that we are our own worst problem we get help. Set him free to get some help. Give yourself permission to get some help. We succeed at anything in life when we have support. ANYTHING! Even this. Many blessings.