Courtesy of CPP

Courtesy of CPP

I can picture no element of gratitude.

I feel insignificant, bleak—dare I say annulled.

There is no half-full or half-empty because there is no glass.

There is no leap, for I have no wings. I was mistaken. I cannot make sobriety work for me.

She asks me to hand her my paper. At 96 days of sobriety I pass her my “Gratitude List.”

It is void of words. With the exception of its title there are doodles.

Ninety-six days clean and sober. I may as well have been hung over. My body, racked with pain. My mind puzzled. How could sobriety could feel so sh**y?

I had traded my booze for this—so unfair. Why do they get to drink and not me? My question did not go unanswered:

The Evolution of Gratitude

Then

Sometime Later

Even Later

Now

-0-

At least I’m hanging on.

I accept the necessity of change.

Thank you for change. Without it my life remains stagnant. Nothing that is living is stagnating. It is growing or decaying.  

He’s still here!

I can tolerate him.

He is a good man.

Thank you for my husband to stand by my side through the struggles.

It’s too hard.

Why do I always have to be the one who changes?

I can try and see if it works—once.

Thank you for the gift of options. Thank you for free will. Thank you for teaching me to choose again.

I will never make it to six months sober.

I’ll never make it to one year sober.

If it’s still a good idea tomorrow I will drink then— but not today.

Thank you for teaching me to say, No thank you.

They need to do what I say. I’m the mom.

They can do whatever they want. I don’t know how to parent.

I can learn to parent.

Thank you for showing me that we teach each other. Thank you for teaching me it’s a monarchy, not a democracy.

Not drinking is ruining me. I’ve lost my fun—my me.

Maybe drinking wasn’t working that well—most of the time.

Drinking sucks.

Drinking sucks.

Stopping drinking is the enemy.

Stopping drinking is the first part of my solution.

Universal principles work in every area of my life.  I’m applying them whether I know it or not—every moment.

Thank you alcoholism.

You are the vehicle that taught me life is so much more than I imagined …

That I am so much more than I imagined.

Gratitude has given me wings.

Peace has given me air.

Change has given me wind.

Spirituality has given me life.

Today I can be in pain, puzzled, lost, alone, angry, or scared. And I don’t drink.

I am a different woman for having learned to see Gratitude.

I fly high and look down on my troubles, lest I stay in them.

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To a woman filled with gratitude, little Ms. Miracles: Happy two year anniversary tomorrow. (I’m thinking you’re going to bed sober tonight).