… in the Beginning

The Beginning
You were already there when I walked in the room.
Everyone loved you and wanted to be with you.
I was intrigued, but a little scared.
Someone suggested I would feel better if I got to know you.

I hesitantly agreed.
I didn’t want to know you—but I did.
I was confused.
I was awkward.

I meet you once.

You were lovely, beautiful, welcoming, freeing.
Where have you been?
I am finally feeling me.

The Middle
It is so nice.
We are together.
The world is right.
I finally understand.

Some of the others think we spend too much time together.
I think they are jealous.
Let’s not spend time with them. They are negative.
We need each other in a way they do not understand.

It was so fun in the beginning.
Lately, when we are together, I do not understand you.
Let’s go back to the beginning.
It was simpler then.

I’ve been looking for you.
Where have you been?
I panic when I can’t find you.
You still love me!

I need you—love you.
We love each other—remember?
Can you try and love me back?
I still want you in my life.

The First End
This is not okay.
I want us to be okay again.
I’m miserable with you.
I’m miserable without you.

I want your strength and courage.
I want how it used to be.
We were really good back then.
Weren’t we?

Get away from me.
You make me crazy.
I hate you.
The fun is gone.
Stop calling me.
We are not good together.
Not only are we not love,
We are destruction.

The Second End
Why did I tell you to go away?
I hate being alone.
I’m worse off without you.
I hate thinking.
I hate me.
I wish I could just stop thinking.
I can’t.

The Third End
How did I get here?
You are so seductive.
Your persuasion is unparalleled.
How did I get here?

The others no longer understand me.
They blame me.
I try to tell them it is you.
They want me to get help.

I do not want help.
I want people to stop trying to help me.
Stop trying to change me.
They don’t know me—understand me.

The End
There has got to be more to life than this.
Why has it come to this?
I want help.
Maybe I need changing.
I know a guy, who knows a guy, that says he knows how I feel.
I will meet him.

The Beginning
He was already there when I walked in the room.
Everyone loved him.
I was intrigued, but a little scared.
Someone suggested I would feel better if I got to know him.

I hesitantly agreed.
I didn’t want to know him—and I did.
I was confused.
I was awkward.

I will meet him once
—and see how it goes from there.

◊◊◊

Lisa Neumann, Author of Sober Identity: Tools for Reprogramming the Addictive Mind.

 

No Responses to “… in the Beginning

  • I really love this Lisa. I think you captured the toxic push-pull relationship with addiction so beautifully.

    I smiled at “The End.” Not the fourth or fifth or sixth end, just The End, leading into The Beginning (which was brilliant because it leaves “him/Him” open for interpretation. A sponsor, friend, future spouse, Higher Power or God… Could be any. Just as it could be any addiction.)

    I often felt I was in a torrid relationship with alcohol; when I quit it was worse than any break-up I’d ever experienced. This poem really hit home. Thanks for sharing with us!

    • I love that you see that because I do too! I was wondering who “he” was too: friend, sponsor, mentor, God, me? It really is the reader’s interpretation. I can apply this to every unhealthy relationship in my life. Although I wrote the post for my love of alcohol (and the many I work with who still struggle with “the end”) it applies to me still—to this very day. As always, thanks for coming by and commenting.

  • Wow, just wow. I had prepared myself about halfway through this absolutely inspired writing to be totally depressed, but then you blew me out of the water with your ending. You are so incredibly creative!

    • So glad you enjoyed. I had a good time writing this one. I, too, was surprised by the ending. Just a reminder to continue to give it to Creator. Even until the very end. my love, lisa

  • I have nominated you for a Thought Provoking Blog Award because you deserve it.
    Please do not feel that you have to respond to the conditions of the award, as it is not a necessity.

    Ronnie.

  • I, too, am often struck by the paradox of a relationship that demands and ultimately extracts “aloneness.” Now sober, I understand better my love of the solitary but am no longer willing to reject society/sociability. I like people better because I like me better.

    • Love everything you wrote. You are not alone in your sentiments. Many posted to my “inbox” direct (anonymity). This post aroused feelings at many levels in the readers. All my addictions (alcohol being one of many) fit into this model. Thanks for coming by and most especially thanks for the comment.Lisa

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