What It Means to Go Deeper

stoneThis is the actual private journal entry I wrote when struggling for the words to this week’s post. It seemed to morph—quickly. Too quickly. Then I thought to share some of my deeper personal thoughts (dialogues) as this has become my favorite tool for coping with my internal battle. ‘A’ is the voice of the antagonist (aka: ego, ism, subconscious). ‘B’ is the voice of Beauty (aka: Love, sanity, conscious)

***

A: Lisa, you have nothing to say that has not already been said. Shut up. Nobody needs to read any more of your words.

B: Where is that coming from?

A: It’s coming from me. I am so bored with you trying to pretend to you have all the answers. You come and write these posts every week, you share all this love and such. Yuck. Just let people be who they want to be, if they want to drink, let them. It’s not your job to save the world.

B: I’m not trying to save the world. I’m just trying to share ideas about how I got my subconscious to quit talking me into a cocktail … and other not-so-great ideas.

A: Well it’s stupid, because even if you don’t drink I’m going to make your life miserable. I’ll find another way. I still hate you. You are nothing like you should have turned out and I want you to suffer—forever. I will never let you be happy.

B: Why?

A: I just won’t, I just can’t. I need you to hate you. That’s how I keep things as they are. And it angers me that you keep pushing through things and succeeding. I want it to stop. I don’t like you growing. I don’t want you to change. I want you to stay here with me where it is safe. Sh*t, even that you are typing this A/B is ridiculous. You don’t need to question me. I am the very mind that keeps you breathing, keeps your heart beating. Do not question my authority on matters.

B: But I do want to question.

A: Why, why is it so important to love yourself? Why can’t you just be okay with life being average-ish?

B: Because it doesn’t feel like I am giving me my best life. I don’t want to settle when I feel there is room to grow. The longing to grow has been awakened. Why do you dislike it so?

A: Because then I can’t protect you.

B: Protect me from what?

A: People. People will hurt you. People will see you are vulnerable and hurt you. People will see all that you haven’t accomplished and judge you. People will criticize your efforts and say you are a fake. You will get hurt. Stop this blogging nonsense. My goodness you are almost ten years sober. Do you really want people to see your crazy thinking? You’re not really going to use this for the Sunday post are you? Geez, you have lost it. Absolutely no one will have any respect for you. This is your worst idea ever.

B: But this is the way of it. This is how I/we talk on some of these Sunday mornings. Why can’t I let people know me? Let them know that fear still lives inside me? And I don’t drink anyway.

A: Someone will come put you in a strait jacket. People will laugh at you. Be sane like the other writers. Why can’t you be regular?  Be normal? I beg you, don’t let them see this.

B: You have always tried to scare me and you are trying now. I might not have the greatest words to share, but they are my words. I am not best writer, but I am learning. I may not be the top coach, but I watch people have tremendous success.  I don’t have all the answers, but I have some of the answers. I choose to share those answers to those who are open to learning a new way of thinking. Now … I love you subconscious for all you do, but it’s time for you to grow— too.

***

This is how I get through my internal battles. I let my ego speak, but I also let Love speak. And more often than not, I let Love win.

Free PDF on learning how to effectively use A/B Journaling

28 Responses to “What It Means to Go Deeper

  • elisabethmossart
    6 years ago

    Thankyou for being exactly who you are- you have offered me beautiful words of love, strength, and sanity in 3 short weeks. You have been a conduit for the Divine to reach through my fears, and help me get sober for good. Thankyou for role modeling honesty, and that I can stay sober through the trials
    of the challenging, seductive and downright mean voices that rise up to snatch my beauty. bless…E

    • I thought you might like this post. We are all human. I am learning (too) that my worst enemy is the voice within that does not love me. I choose to be loved.

  • Just when I thought I was the only crazy (today), you went and wrote this. Isn’t that the other message that inner voice wants us to hear? That we’re the only ones? That’s WHY no one will understand, no one will get it, we will be rejected, judged, ridiculed, hurt. Because we are the ONLY ONES?!?!

    Well, thankfully, LOVE says, we are not the ONLY ONE, we ARE ONE. Namaste.

    • I love what you say here. Thank you. It is comforting to know that when I let my guard down and show my face that I am received as one with you. An important, and vital, thought for humanity. Not just addicts in recovery. With love.

  • Listen to B…she sounds very wise. And how is it that your A sounds suspiciously like my A…bitches. I really enjoyed this post…nice to know that other people not only have that voice in their head but that they challenge it as well.

    Sherry

    • Sherry, Isn’t it crazy the stuff we say! I have found peace since I put up this post. That strange and wonderful peace that comes when I share my truth.

  • Can I just say I love this? Was going to quote some lines from it in this comment–but then I realized if I picked every part that I liked, I would have to quote the whole thing. So I’ll stick to saying that I love it and it resonates with me.

    Love ya.

  • Gah! That voice in our heads. Love this post.

    • Ohhh, thank you. You have been on my mind. How are you? With the holidays quickly approaching, I am reminded of letting myself be born. Renewed in God’s love. This is always such a blessed time of year. I am hoping you are well. with lots of love

  • Lisa, this is my favourite post of yours to date. For one thing, as I was reading through it, I was thinking “how did she read my brain? Did she pilfer one of my mind meltdowns, or something?” Now, I haven’t done a written A/B thing that you regularly do, but I have these seesaw battles going on often in the old coconut. Can be tiring at times. Sometimes I placate…ok, ego, we’ll do it your way. And mayhem, mild and not-so-mild, ensues. Sometimes I will just listen and say “thanks for sharing, ego. I am moving on now. You may sit back down”. And then there are the fewer times where I will do a little written inventory when the noise is too much, or when it starts to really eat my lunch…and really get down to brass tacks and find that clarity that is so often needed to move to a different place.

    My A voice is relentless in it’s ability to undermine my emotional and mental health. My A voice has been on a tear as of late and reading your post gives me pause for thought in perhaps doing something like this to find causes and conditions. Self-pity is the way it manifests most often. Resentment and anger place second. These things destroy or at least chip away at serenity…something I have grown quite fond of! But going back to your post there…I loved the true sincerity and breathtaking honesty there…I think that is why it resonated so much with me. And the fact that I am not the only one thinking like that. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not alone, and this post reveals that to me in the way that only Lisa can communicate it – with clarity and compassion.

    Thank you for this.

    Love and light,
    Paul

    • You are generous in your words. I love that it resonates. In my heart I know this is the path to my healing. I must share the loving truth. Be not afraid to speak the words on my heart. Especially when they want to hide and pretend they are not speaking. I am getting a little wiser as the years pass. Thank goodness. with love

      ps I believe you have a date with the magistrate this month, yes?

      • Yes! I am in front of the judge on the 12th of December…a week tomorrow. I am armed with some letters, your wonderful one included, and the deep feeling that everything will be ok.

        Whatever happens, it will all be okay 🙂

        Thanks for asking!

        Hugs,
        Paul

  • I’ve been hearing lately about how the inane, often insane chatter that goes on in our heads serves to keep the ego alive. And I hadn’t really heard what to do with it besides observe it as a separate entity and come back to the moment. Your use of A/B journaling and the very helpful PDF is incredibly useful. Love how you use love. And for the record, none of this talk seems insane, which at least proves you are not alone! Thanks for sharing this, Lisa.

    • I feel blessed to have found such a loving community here. While I have several avenues of fellowship in my recovery, I find the blogging community to be among my favorite. There is something so comforting in sharing and receiving the written word … and through all of my written fears (joys) I see I am never alone. I am glad this tool is helpful. That is my intention—to continue to heal self while helping those around me heal too. Much love

  • Lisa, your courage and generosity are both humbling and inspirational. You have so much wisdom to share, if I could get that A voice alone in a room, I would give her a knuckle sandwich!

    It is amazing, isn’t it, the crazy things we tell ourselves? All I ever read, when I open a post from you, is pure, unadulterated love and wisdom. I look forward to every Sunday post, and I have never been disappointed. That is what I experience with your writing; and yet, look what your inner voice has been telling you… here is proof positive why we need to self-examine, and talk back to the insanity.

    I learn so much from you, and the greatest lesson I received from today’s (well, not today’s, as I am on a serious WordPress backlog, but you know what I mean) writing, is that I need to:

    1. Develop an awareness of what exactly I am saying to myself
    2. Find a gentle, loving way to respond to my negative inner voice

    I promise to you, Lisa, that since you found the courage to give me this message, that I will find the courage to receive it, and act on it!

    • For what it is worth I seemed to have had a huge shift in my psyche these past days since putting this post here. Always interesting to pull one’s covers. I love your two-step plan. I will be following up on your progress if that is okay? xox

  • thank you thank you thank you! I feel into a terrible place of thinking that writing, speaking, sharing, caring, and all the other stuff was just not worth it. I was reaching no one, was making no progress – my disease trying to convince me to just quit, crawl back from where I came and just live my life…. I am writing again, I am speaking again and I am sharing again. This post confirmed my need to do so. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    • I feel we could both write a book on these moments. I often remind myself that my calling is … my calling. The rewards gained from sharing are not quantitative, but qualitative. In a world that prizes numbers this is not always a comforting thought. I have grown immensely since I published my book in late 2011. There are no words to describe the dichotomy of emotions. You have a trusted friend in me. I am pleased to see you comment, as I have been completely away from social media, as of late, and not up on what my peers are doing. My love and blessings.

  • Wonderful post. I am very grateful.

    • Ann, Thank you for the kind words. I see you have an inspiring site, so I shall be over today to learn.
      with love, Lisa

  • this is great. thanks. and i think we all have this inner dialog going most all of the time, don’t you?

    • Thank you. And yes, yes I do believe we all do. For me, as an addict in recovery I gain great value in coming clear with my fears. for my fears drive my addiction and secretly tell me I am alone.

      An honor to have you comment. I will be over to order your book as it feels you have much to teach me.

      With gratitude,
      Lisa

      • well, thank you! glad you will get the book and do hope it will be useful to you – i think it will. if so, hope you might write a review etc
        best wishes
        doug

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