In The Beginning

shamrockThe Beginning
You were already there when I walked in the room.
Everyone loved you and wanted to be with you.
I was intrigued, but a little scared.
Someone suggested I would feel better if I got to know you.

I hesitantly agreed.
I didn’t want to know you—but I did.
I was confused.
I was awkward.

I met you once.
You were lovely, beautiful, welcoming, freeing.

The Middle
It is so nice.
We are together.
The world is right.
I finally understand.

Some of the others think we spend too much time together.
I think they are jealous.
Let’s not spend time with them. They are negative.
We need each other in a way they do not understand.

(Still) The Middle
Lately, when we are together, I do not understand you.
Let’s go back to the beginning.
It was simpler then.

I’ve been looking for you.
Where have you been?
I panic when I can’t find you.
You still love me?

I need you—love you.
We love each other—remember?
Can you try and love me back?
I still want you in my life.

The First End
This is not okay.
I want us to be okay.
I’m miserable with you.
I’m miserable without you.

I want your strength and courage.
I want how it used to be.
We were really good back then.
Weren’t we?

Get away from me.
You make me crazy.
I hate you.
Stop calling me.
Not only are we not love,
We are destruction.

The Second End
Why did I tell you to go away?
I hate being alone.
I’m worse without you.
I hate thinking.
I hate me.
I wish I could just stop thinking.
I can’t.

The Third End
You are so seductive.
Your persuasion … unparalleled.
How did I get here?

The others no longer understand me.
They blame me.
I try to tell them it is you.
They want me to get help.

I do not want help.
I want people to stop trying to help me.
Stop trying to change me.
They don’t know me—understand me.

The End
There has got to be more to life than this.
Why has it come to this?
I want help.
Maybe I need changing.
I know a guy, who knows a guy, that says he knows how I feel.
I will meet him.

The Beginning
He was already there when I walked in the room.
Everyone loved Him.
I was intrigued, but a little scared.
Someone suggested I would feel better if I got to know Him.

I hesitantly agreed.
I didn’t want to know Him—and I did.
I was confused.
I was awkward.

I will meet Him once
—and see how it goes.

Epilogue
I have met Him every day for many days.

Despite myself,
I can learn to change.

 

♦♦♦

This post was originally published in August 2012. No matter what addiction, craving or unhealthy pattern you have in your life, if it is not serving you, there is one solution: Surrender to being willing to learn to change.

No Responses to “In The Beginning

  • Beautiful! Very honest and true to the flaws of any addictions, thanks for sharing, this is a good reminder

    • I am honored that you not only read, but comment. Your work is admirable. Thank you for the support. It means the world to me.

  • Love it as much now as I loved it then. Beautiful, Lisa.
    Love, Christy

  • OMG. This was amazing. I totally got every single word and of course can relate. Can’t wait to see my peeps in less than 2 hours. This one is definitely print worthy!!

    • Mystery Girl, It’s so great to see you over here. I always want to support people in their sobriety. Please, print and share anything that helps you or you think will help another. We do need each other to make it. And that mean I need you too. Lots of love, Lisa

  • That was phenomenal. The seduction, the innocence, the betrayal, the life changing break up, the program, the recovery. Simple language, powerful resonance. Identification galore for me in that poem. It’s print-up-and-put-in-recovery-journal worthy material. It’s hand-it-those-who-don’t-understand-the-struggle worthy. It’s also a wonderful reminder of where we come from and where we get to. Our lives become transformed, broken out of the old shell of habits and thought patterns and brought to a new way of life that promises nothing but greater things.

    The way alcoholism progresses is so perfectly described here. We start with the good times, the closeness, the intimacy of person and drink. Then it gets into isolation, judgment, pain, fear and hurt. We scurry into ourselves, blocking the Creator, and continue the love-hate relationship we have with alcohol. Miserable with, miserable without. The paradox and pain of addiction.

    Lovely, powerful stuff Lisa.

    Loved it.

    Blessings,
    Paul

    • Thank you Paul. You always lift my spirits and manage to remind me why I blog in the first place … To stay sober and help another remain sober. Lots of love back to you. Lisa

  • Love this. It applies eerily well to more than one thing in my past. Puts it into perspective. Thank you.

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