When I love you

LaneI don’t give you everything you want so you can be more comfortable. Being comfortable is not the meaning or purpose of life.

I don’t do everything for you because you lovingly ask it of me. Giving you everything (you think) you want fortifies your idea that you cannot accomplish tasks on your own.

I don’t say “yes” to your request to ease your pain. Pain is the catalyst for change. You grow into a more compassionate and sincere person when you experience it rather than divert it.

I don’t lie for you. When I lie for you, I teach you that lying is an acceptable tool for coping and communication. It is neither. It is a destroyer to self. I teach you that the truth is enough.

I listen even if I do not want to hear it. I listen because you need to say it so that you can heal. I listen without judgment so that I can heal.

I lovingly withhold information from you. It is not that I do not want to tell you. It is that telling you will serve no greater purpose. Some things are not for me to tell you, but for you to figure out.

I walk away. Sometimes the best for both of us is silence. I walk away because more words morphs into more issues. My walking is all I can do to break the cycle.

I make time for you. I don’t do it because it is always easy or convenient. I do it because that is how I express that you matter to me.

I don’t buy you everything you ask for. It has nothing to do with being deserved or being good or being enough.  I don’t buy it because it is teaching you that material possessions are the path to happiness. You are too young to comprehend this notion and I am wise enough to not let your ideals sway me.

I want everything wonderful for you. And the way I give you wonderful is by not giving in. I love you so much that I am willing to let you find your way. I am willing to let you feel discomfort, pain, longing, truth, silence, separation, and inconvenience—all in the name of love.


I get many questions on parenting.  It can be difficult for us to teach our children when we have not yet learned the basics for our self. I, too, had/ have much to learn. I was confused with how to love me. How was I possibly going to teach my children? Hope you find some strength and encouragement in dealing with those you love. If all else fails, applies these principles to self. We change self—first.


For those interested: We are collectively praying from the top of the each hour today. We will dedicate three minutes of communion (11:00-11:03, 12:00-12:03, etc.) for the families and community in the Connecticut tragedy. “Our hearts are with you and we lovingly absorb your pain that you may suffer less.”

No Responses to “When I love you

  • chris10452
    12 years ago

    In addition to the wisdom in these words are the very helpful pieces of phrasing. Why I don’t give you everything…do everything….lie. Why I do withhold information…walk away…make time. What it means that I listen….that I make time. I’m saving this piece for my son when it’s his time to become a parent. These phrases are a wonderful gift and I’m grateful for them.

    PS: I went so far as to open a “pocket” account so I could conveniently save this. The start of my gem collection!

    • What is a “pocket” account? My curiosity has the best of me. Thank you for reading and commenting. It’s interesting because right after I posted this I had a day of attitude with one of my kids. “Apply the principles Lisa,” was all I think to not explore. Thank goodness someone taught me what to do and thank goodness I can pray and do it. with love, Lisa

      • chris10452
        11 years ago

        Pocket is an app (mine is for ipad) that allows me to hold an article or web page or blog posting…anything, pretty much…in a place so I can look at it later whether I’m on line or not. Things stay in your pocket until you make them go away. Items are viewable on any device I have including phone, ipad or desktop.

      • It’s like a bookmark site for later reading Lisa, either on your computer or mobile app. I have it on my iPhone and love it.


  • “I don’t say “yes” to your request to ease your pain. Pain is the catalyst for change. You grow into a more compassionate and sincere person when you experience it rather than divert it.”
    Today I have the kidney stone, and refuse narcotics. God manages the pain, and somewhere, somehow this makes me a better person – I should say the person God wants me to be. Thanks for reminding me of the purpose of pain on a day like this!

    • S, Hope this reply finds you peace-filled. Physical manifestation is so difficult for me as a recovered addict. Glad you found some comfort in the words. Prayers and love coming your way. Lisa

      • Thanks. Things are better. Also, I realized later I didn’t mean to imply that there is never a place for narcotics; while I do think we should all avoid them when possible.

  • I apply these equally to those above and below the age of majority. It is where I developed one of the “rule of three” principles.

    Excellent message, Lisa. <3

  • Just echoing Red’s comment that these could apply to any relationship — thanks for sharing them!

  • Thank you for this extremely useful post Lisa. With love, C

    • Just wanted to wish you a very merry Christmas Lisa. I hope you and your family have a very special week.

      Love, Christy

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