~ Circa 1987 ~

~ Circa 1987 ~

A day to pay tribute to your mom. As a woman who (finally) works at living a spirit-filled and principled life, I am struck by the irony of who I was as a daughter. My sweet mom had her work cut out for her. It seemed all fine at the time, growing pains and such, but when I look back through (sober) parental eyes I am stunned at my behavior.

As a young child my motives were self-seeking for far too long. As number five of six children I seemed to always be waiting for mine. “When is mine coming?” was a big theme with me. I learned at an early age that it wasn’t coming—never. I got what was left over. I got what I took. I got less than in a world that I felt* didn’t care. (*Note: This felt is not based upon fact.)

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that others were getting so much. It’s that I perceived I wasn’t getting my share. It’s that I learned (aka programmed) myself to covet, manipulate, and con others to get what I perceived would make me happy. It was always about what I was getting and never about what I was giving.

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Part two of five in the 5-Key Competencies.

Competency Two: I Am Straightforward

My alcoholism brought me to my knees, maybe even my elbows. When you’re on the floor there is simply nowhere else to fall. And while it may seem like there is no more going down, there is that idea that you won’t ever get back up. It’s like you know it can’t get much worse, but clearly you cannot see it getting better.

You’ve tried.

You’ve tried, not dozens, but thousands of times. You can’t do it. And you believe with all of you that you can’t do it. How do you combat that?

Here is where I found the error in my thinking. There was nothing to combat. I had spent a lifetime fighting something that wasn’t even there. But I believed so much that it was … I engaged in a full blown war because I believed it was the way to get mine. I had to lie and manipulate. This was the only way I knew to meet my ever growing needs. I depended upon everything external to make me peace-filled. It never occurred to me that peace would come if I learned to live differently.

I justified my behavior. I needed to drink to get away from my dependency upon alcohol. I needed to lie to cover up the lies before lies before the other lies. And it all seemed so okay. It was okay to lie to my mom. It was acceptable to manipulate her, to make her feel bad. I wanted her to feel like she screwed up then I didn’t have to feel the pain of the life I created. Blaming her was my solution. My beautiful mom, she gave me so much and I repaid her with so little.

Sobriety has taught me that I can clean this up. Not in a day, but a little every day. Being straightforward means I am honest. Honesty doesn’t mean I’m a bitch or a bull-dozer. Honest means I speak the truth AND I speak it from a place of love. Being straightforward means I don’t need to have it go my way because others have wants too. Being straightforward means I think before I speak. Yes, I actually stop and think about what I choose to say. I present my ideas with compassion and clarity.

Most of all it means I think about you and what I can give you and not about me and what I can get for me.

I have finally learned that when I am loving you I am loving me by default.

Thanks mom, the best of me is yet to come. I’m so glad God gave me you for a mom. I don’t know if I’ll get it right every time, but I’ll work on getting it right today.

I love you.