chocolate chip cookiesThis post finds me at a crossroad.

I want to talk about recovery … the sober life … But I feel like a hypocrite.

So in the spirit of authenticity I will talk today about the personal hurdles I am facing these next weeks. Without detail I am having health issues. I start a 28-day detox this Tuesday. Not an alcohol detox, but a body (aka colon) detox.

I am scared, pissed, irritated, angry, and confused.

I’ve spent the week pondering:

    • “Why me?”
    • “Maybe there’s another way?”
    • “I’ll do anything but this.”
    • “What if …?”

I just want to back out of the whole thing. I want to wake up and believe it’s all a bad dream. Problem is … I’m not waking up. So I carry around these feelings that I’d rather not have, question things that needn’t be questioned, and escape with television.

With the exception of a brief moment at the market, the thought of drinking has not been an issue. Thursday night I passed my ex-favorite chardonnay in the grocery aisle and the little bear on the label said, “Hi.” Thursday night I said, “Hi,” back. Ugh, what was I thinking? Apparently I wasn’t. I kept the cart moving. My only thought being, you can’t have me.

Here I am at the next competency in the series and I chuckle at the synchronicity of it all.

Part three of five in the 5-Key Competencies.

Competency Three: I Can be Navigated 

Competency Three is about trust. Am I willing to trust a previously unknown or misunderstood source/entity? Am I willing to be guided by thinking outside of me, yet resonates within me?

The parallels between my choosing sobriety and my upcoming health detox are eerily similar. I feel all the same resistance. All the same anger. All the same unfairness. It is almost embarrassing how my mind has regressed to this place of being scrambled. I sit telling myself that I “get” to step into Competency Three, but all I am feeling is I have too. It’s so hard to feel grateful for something you really don’t think you even might, want to do, sort of do, maybe want to do, but you have to, so you better be grateful for it. (Again, ugh. I hope only addicts are reading today. I know that sentence makes sense to you.)

… Back to the competency.

I feel like I’m getting sober all over again. How can this possibly be throwing me?  Yet it is.

Then it was alcohol and drugs. Now it is sugar, caffeine, white flour, starch, processed anything … for the next 28 days.

Maybe I am scared because these have all been my go-to tools, satisfying me in the absence of alcohol. Maybe I haven’t healed at all? Maybe my recovery is a sham? After all, I love sugar. Like I giggle with my 12-step friends “They don’t serve wine at OA meetings, why do we serve sugar?”

Ugh.

… Back to the competency.

Here is what I know, despite myself. I want to trust the process. I believe that my doctor has my best interest in suggesting the detox. I am willing to trust him. I believe this will help me on many levels: Increased awareness, stamina, overall health, clarity etc. I am willing to trust the process of detox. It doesn’t mean I am free of fear. It means I am going to step in anyway and do this because I choose a healthy life.

To be navigated, I must first choose to go somewhere. Next, I receive directions and tools for getting there, and third I act upon this guidance. Competency Three is: To ask for, to receive, and to act upon guidance. So for today I’m doing well. I have asked for help. I have received some initial direction by way of the detox. Now it is my job to follow through. No excuses.

Next week I’ll delve further into Competency Three and how the three parts synergize for my greatest good. (I see I am having trouble sticking to the competency. So with the intent of actually covering it, I commit to a deeper post next weekend.) Ugh.

And, in the spirit of asking, I now ask for your loving thoughts as I embark on a feat I am petrified to undertake—yet more petrified not to.

On that note, I’m having a cookie today because I can. I’ll savor every bite.

Ugh.