001 ryan bdayTomorrow marks my son’s 14th birthday. He has been my greatest teacher. I wonder all these moments who was teaching whom. He brought me curiosity, creativity, wonder, discipline, courage, and the longing for more of life.

Both my kids were paramount reasons for ending the ‘chaos of drinking’. But being my best me was what inevitably produced long term sobriety. The bottom line: I wanted to be a better person … and I still do.

Thank you to those who walk before (and beside) me, you teach me to be a woman I love—a mom I love. I could never be this woman without you. I would have felt too guilty about my drinking, too guilty about my past, and too guilty about the fact that I was even alive.

This post is from December 2012 during one of my trying times with my son.

I don’t give you everything you want so you can be more comfortable. Being comfortable is not the meaning or purpose of life.

I don’t do everything for you because you lovingly ask it of me. Giving you everything (you think) you want fortifies your idea that you cannot accomplish tasks on your own.

I don’t say “yes” to your request to ease your pain. Pain is the catalyst for change. You grow into a more compassionate and sincere person when you experience it rather than divert it.

I don’t lie for you. When I lie for you, I teach you that lying is an acceptable tool for coping and communication. It is neither. It is a destroyer to self. I teach you that the truth is enough.

I listen even if I do not want to hear it. I listen because you need to say it so that you can heal. I listen without judgment so that I can heal.

I lovingly withhold information from you. It is not that I do not want to tell you. It is that telling you will serve no greater purpose. 

I walk away. Sometimes the best for both of us is silence. I walk away because more words morphs into more issues. My walking is all I can do to break the cycle.

I make time for you. I don’t do it because it is always easy or convenient. I do it because that is how I express that you matter to me.

I don’t buy you everything you ask for. It has nothing to do with being deserved or being good or being enough.  I don’t buy it because it is teaching you that material possessions are the path to happiness. You are too young to comprehend this notion and I am wise enough to not let your out-bursts sway me.

I want everything wonderful for you. And the way I give you wonderful is by not giving in. I love you so much that I am willing to let you find your way.

I am willing to let you feel discomfort, pain, longing, truth, silence, separation, and inconvenience—all in the name of love.

♦♦♦♦

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