Everything turns out good in the end. And if it’s not good, it’s not the end.

I have plenty of days when I am not up for “the journey.” I want the reward—now. It’s really that simple. I banter with self, dramatically exalting that, I’m too…

  • exhausted from feeling my feelings
  • achy fingered from journaling; pen gripped too tight
  • frustrated with what appears to be lack-of-result
  • And so … I’m in a “less-than” mood.

I’m still an addict in certain ways. (Despite that I have been clean and sober for years.) I want what I want, when I want it. Yes, the equivalent of a tantrum. It continues to perplex me that my subconscious mind, left to its own devices, is quick to jump in and reassure me of how wrong, painful, ridiculous, tedious, and slow the process is moving. This part of the journey when my ego is so kicked into high gear is a killer for me. As a student of A Course in Miracles I comprehend this is a necessary part of the process (until it is not) and most days that is okay. But some days it is not. And I feel it in every cell of my body. It takes all my techniques (meditation, journaling, exercise, etc.) to get me back on track. It’s as if I want to stay and wallow in my perceived pain. I actually become comfortable feeling uncomfortable within myself—sick but true.

The difference for me today is that I no longer get stuck (for too long) with the ego’s first and always relentless comment. I know that if I welcome Spirit a new thought will arrive and it happens in an instant. There’s no down time with divine requests; although, sometimes I don’t prefer the answer, but that’s another post. I have learned the value of staying in the conversation long enough to hear the answer. I stay with the dialogue until I hear the voice that speaks for God in my head.

Honestly, when I was newly sober I believed these days were behind me. Getting clean seemed like it should be, it would be, enough—wrong. It would get me clean, but it wouldn’t and couldn’t keep me that way. I was the problem, booze was my answer. Did I actually think non-alcoholics lived problem free lives? Apparently so! I had (have) growing to do and I must do all of it without the insta-escape of alcohol. I must do all of it with improved and enriched thinking.

Developed thinking has taught me there is beauty in the process even when my ego complains that there is not. Regardless of my incessant ego there is always something good coming. Because I can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. It only means I can’t see it. Big difference, the former is non-existent, the latter is findable. So today I’m going to be okay with what’s happening because something good is coming. Everything always turns out good in the end and if it’s not good, it’s not the end. I refuse to be miserable in the meantime.

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