My standards were so low I didn’t trust me
Have I succeeded in establishing and living by my own standards or do I simply, or at times blindly, follow those handed down to me?
By “standards” I am referring to my chosen principles. For me there was the first set of principles that applied equally and then the second set that applied only to me. New in recovery I was scarcely capable of deciphering between the two. Over time I came to recognize that I expected so little of self and expected so much of you.
The solution? Set a higher standard.
This meant I was free to choose any standard I wished, however, I must agree to abide by my chosen standard. The glaring and overly obvious lesson that initially appeared: I must be willing to give—first. I must be willing to recognize what I want and then be willing to offer it—first. Give first, what I wanted to receive. Not give in order to receive, but give because that was the person I wanted to become—to be.
Society’s principles exist for harmony. My principles are a testament to my personal philosophy. When I set a standard it must be one that I am willing to live by and not demand others live by. Others get to live by their standards. They may correspond with mine but it is certainly no longer a necessity.
It took me too long to understand this. Until sobriety it had never occurred to me that I could choose. I was taught, that I was taught, the right way (as opposed to the wrong way, whatever that was). And this was not to be questioned. As I grew however, I recognized that I disagreed, but didn’t know what to do with my disagreement. Eventually, I buried it underneath alcohol. With alcohol gone my unaddressed ideals quickly surfaced. It was clear to me that I had learned it was okay to say one thing, but do another; especially when no one was looking. I no longer believed in me because I no longer trusted me. My standards so low, even I was not capable of feeling good about myself. I didn’t know who I was. I needed to find one set of standards and be willing to live by them and them alone.
It had been okay to be unaccountable, dishonest, controlling, and manipulative. I told you I had to be that way because my situation warranted this type of behavior. Once I identified and lived my principles, my standards rose in proportion. I valued a quality, in self first, and decided I would not worry or try and control your behavior. Now I was accountable, honest, and a team player. I expected more of me and in doing so I trusted me more.
I live by my standards today, not because I have to, but because I want to. Setting my standards higher, knowing and honoring self, these are the greatest gifts to self and humanity.
Oh, Lis! I’m going through your archives and this post talks to me (like most of your posts). I am still confused on what my principles are though… I’m soo lost! I think it’s normal, but it still sucks. Another thing is, I tend to give in order to receive something. Maybe not so much spiritually, but materialistically? Like, when I give a gift, I expect for that person to give me something in return. It’s horrible, it is, but how do I get rid of that? Ok, gotta keep journaling and working on myself.
Love you so!
See you answered your own question. I love it. It’s happening. Practice and discipline my little one.
ps … someone was up late last night
Haha, yes, I was up late indeed. It was a night filled with thoughts and doubts. I must keep practicing :).