I have a love/hate relationship with ‘feelings’. I’m in the place of pain today. While I have not had a drink in many years, I feel overwhelmed with pain—to the point of wanting escape. Note: I do not want to drink (I hate drinking) I just don’t want to feel all the shit I am feeling.
Most of my sober days I have felt good (after the first year or so), but occasionally I get slammed with this yucky feeling. Interestingly enough … I can now feel its lurking arrival.
I search for answers. Is it menopause? What have I eaten? When did I last exercise? Is Venus in retrograde?
Today is a day where I searched, but could not find anything, or maybe I found everything. I cannot decide.
I don‘t know if this is recovery. Maybe this is life. I’m thinking this is just life.
I have everything I need, yet somehow something is missing and I cannot seem to identify what it is, let alone, where I might find it.
Addicts (when we do finally get clean) feel life intensely. Powerful enough that many return to the bottle before they’ve given themselves the opportunity to learn to feel. ‘The Art of Feeling 101,’ where was I to register for that class?
This feeling is here. It just is.
I’m on the ‘X’ and that’s the way of it.
There will be no drinking, drugging, hitting, yelling, carrying-on. There will be no nonsense today.
There will be quiet. Somewhere, somehow, I have learned that the answer is in the silence.
For today I do the only things I know:
- Come clean with my state-of-mind to those who journey with me.
- Be kind to those around me—and me.
This, too, shall pass.
I feel my raw feelings—confidently knowing—I do not need to act upon pain.
Even in the writing of this I remember I am stronger than I remember.
~~~
Listen to my BuzzKill Interview
(ps …I was a little more upbeat that day. LOL)
Lisa I can SO relate to this! I too search my mind when I’m in emotional pain. I revert back to my self-care check list. Do I need more exercise? Did I get enough sleep? Am I holding resentments? Am I expecting too much? My internal dialogue gives me no answers. But in silence, my soul speaks. Embrace your pain. And so it is…
Thank you for the sage words. xoxox
Speaks to my condition, Lisa. Very much so.
The gratitude journal, the affirmations, all of it, seems a sterile and ineffective exercise sometimes, in the face of that existential pain.
But… what I know from experience: Act as if it worked for one more 24 hours. It’s not a cure, it won’t make the pain and the feelings go away.
But it’ll get you through to the next 24 hours with the least possible damage.
C. I have so much respect for you. I just love these words you’ve shared. I’m heading out the door for a run. A good run with the dogs never made anything worse. So much gratitude for your continued friendship. My love to you and yours. xoxox
Sorry to hear you are not feeling well. Not sure if I can give any solace here but sending a hug and the question: What would a woman who loves herself do right now? That’s lately how I get out of the lows. 🙂 And sleeeeeeeep.
Sending another hug and wishing you well.
xx, Feeling
Love this question. It’s a good question for a coach. Lol. Your comment arrived as I was out for a run (as that was all I could think to do at the time). I’ve since cleaned house. Lol. Sleep must be coming soon. It simply must. Thanks for the hug. Love my cyber team .
🙂 Cleaning the house is always good. 🙂 The question is from Teal Swan, who, after having been in therapy for years because of childhood abuse kept on hearing ‘but you should love yourself’ and nobody gave her a clue what so ever how to do so. So she started studying women who she thought loved themselves and at first copied it, later she developed a sense of caring for herself. The good thing about the question is that it does not dictate what would be good, the answers that come from within are within reach of the person answering the question. Funny thing is that I, at first thought that this woman who loves herself does not drown herself in chocolate, cookies and chips, she actually cooks and goes out for a walk, goes to bed on time instead of Netflix and sometimes she does do all those things, but quits them when she is ready. It is an amazing question. I have it posted on several places through the house. 🙂
Hope you are feeling better. 🙂
xx, Feeling
Oh I can relate so much to this. We choose not to escape, but we can’t escape those dreaded feelings. Reminds me of that children’s rhyme, i.e. When they’re good, they’re very very good, but when they’re bad, they’re wicked. Hope you’re feeling better soon. Loved the podcast and hearing your voice! Awesome show!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Thank you for the sweet reminder. I can always count on your ‘writers’ to help me get my head on straight. Sending thanks. ♥ L
I started saying so much more but I’ll just say big hugs friend.
I feel you on this one, for sure! Sometimes I feel crazy and can “see” myself feeling all crazy, but am unable to stop it… I pray and pray for guidance all the while wanting to bash my head in (oh yeah, I can go there still…). Love the reminder to not take it out on those close to me – my first line of “defense”, try to put it on someone else so I can let it go… Nope, just gotta ride it out. Like you say, the intensity passes, but not always all at once. Sometimes it’s a layer thing, like walking through fog. Fog and Faith, I guess! xoxo
Kathy, You’ve been an inspiration in my life with your recovery wellness blog (coaching). It is no longer okay to abuse my body with irregular eating, sugar, etc. Thanks for the continued love and support of this blog. Looking froward to catching up this week. ♥
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“I do not need to act upon pain.” Who knew? I tried this yesterday …not acting upon my pain.or was is discomfort? Or fear? Or grief? I still don’t know. But whatever it was, I just felt it. I gave the raw some room. Thank you. Those words will help me Lisa.
Yes indeed … “who knew? ” I love it. So great to hear from you. xox
Hi Lisa!
Thank you so much for visiting my blog!
You are so right, that I don’t have to act on my feelings.
I just need to sit with them for a while.
And I also don’t need to make them into a bigger deal than they are!!
xo
Wendy
I’ve been to this place many times. Have I EVER! 😉
One trend I’ve begun to notice is that my darkness revolves around the need for “getting.” Whether I don’t feel I’m getting enough love, or money, or acknowledgement, or whatever, it all has to deal with me lacking something. And all the things I’m lacking really boil down the ideas and expectations that I have. Or, to put it another way, I think things should be a certain way. Why do I feel things should be a certain way? Because it’s how I decide whether or not I’m loved, appreciated, successful, and so on. The funny thing is that it doesn’t actually have anything to do with whether or not I’m loved or successful. I just see think that there’s a certain and specific way for it to be expressed based on my conscious ideas and my subconscious life experiences.
So my resolution? To determine where I can GIVE. I shift my thinking away from what I want and what I can get, and instead I focus on how I can contribute good to a situation. Wow! Is that EVER productive.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Love these thoughts so much. Love you too. How’s the baby? and Momma?
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