Not drinking IS the easy part

I wrote my life in ink, not pencil. I can go back and strike through it, but it can never be undone—erased. I can’t choose yesterday again.

Erasers remove the error on my son’s math homework, they do not eliminate, or fix, my yesterday. My yesterday is un-alterable.

I have to come to terms with my past. I have  to come to terms with another’s past. None of this comes easily for me.

My learned mode of functioning: alter my consciousness. It’s just what I did.

With my last drink over a decade ago, it seems impossible that a drink will ever again be an option. So what is the option?

Feel. Forgive. Move forward.

At this stage of recovery, not drinking is the easy part. The hard part is feeling my feelings and learning what to do with them.


Some days I gaze out my office window and just feel the pain of it all: All the unloving words, all the wrong choices, all the lies, all the discomfort. How did the moment get so heavy all of the sudden?

I no longer feel the need to chase it all away. I can just feel, even for these few moments. It will not kill me to sit and feel. I will not burst into a thousand pieces if I feel. I will not die if I feel. I will not vanish if I feel. I do not need to wish for anything or anyone to be different. I can simply feel until I am done feeling. There is nothing to do with the hurt except love it.


Love my hurt. What? Forgiveness means: to give up my claim to. I didn’t want to give up anything. I wanted to hold it close in case I needed it later to balance out one of my un-erasable mistakes. Give up my claim to my mistakes, your mistakes—craziness.

Until it was not. It is the only place I have ever found any sustainable peace—forgiveness.

Move Forward:

That feeling I chased with a drink now arrives as I awaken to the power of mindfulness. There is no claim to make. The way I saw it, what I did, what you did, the way you saw it … it’s all just a story. Today, at my essence, I am a beautiful person trying to figure out life. Today, at your essence, you are a beautiful person trying to figure out life. I move at my pace. You move at your pace.

We don’t always move together, but we are always moving forward.

Today I’m going to be okay writing in pen. Being mindful means there will be no need of striking anything. It can all be okay.

I breathe out the heaviness. My job: Feel, forgive, and move forward.

Yesterday wasn’t a hard day in recovery, it was just a hard day in life.

Life: That thing I almost missed because I was so busy drinking.


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